A Strong Aftertaste of Baby Ruth
by FabulouslyMichelle
Summary: Velma VonTussle has gone insane since the loss of her position at WYZT Studios. An absurd romantic comedy pairing Edna Turnblad with Velma VonTussle, perhaps the oddest Hairspray pairing to date. A bit short, but hopefully funny. Enjoy!


Was that a knock at the door? Edna Turnblad sat her iron down, making her way to the door. Her regular customers always waltzed right in, and she couldn't think of anyone else that would come to call. Curiously she opened the door, peeking through the crack; she did a double take. Standing upon the Turnblad's welcome mat was none other than Velma VonTussle, the former manager of WYZT studios. Edna's face switched quickly from surprised confusion to an expression of pure suspicion. Her eyes narrowed as she spoke.

_"You're not welcome here,"_Edna said flatly as she made to close the door. Velma put out a thin-fingered hand, pushing the door open. Edna's chest expanded indignantly.

_"Just what do you think-" _she started, but halted when she noticed the state of her arch nemesis.

It appeared as though Velma was not adjusting well to her sudden release from WYZT Studios. Her hair was unkempt, her necklace had fallen askew, and she looked as though she had been crying. Her dress, which Edna realized was the very same one which she had worn during her attempt to seduce Wilbur not so many weeks ago, appeared unwashed and somewhat wrinkled.

_"What do you want?" _Edna said, attempting a stern tone but succeeding only in sounding somewhat baffled.

_"__Uh…"_ Velma retracted her hand from the door and scratched her arm, avoiding Edna's questioning gaze.

_"You know, I don't even know!" _She chuckled almost madly. _"I was thinking 'this family must really be something to get someone like me fired!'__ And now look at me!__" _She was ranting now, and Edna was fast becoming concerned with the mental stability of the stately blonde. Waving her arms, Velma continued.

_"I mean someone with my obvious charm and good looks! And now my daughter is seeing some __negro__ boy and she won't listen to me! The show is a black and tan cocktail! __GUMBO!!!"_She was waving her arms wildly, her eyes insanely wide.

_"Maybe you should lie down…" _Edna said awkwardly.

_"Lie down?! I can't lie down! No! I might fall asleep__! T__hen you and your hippopotamus __daughter will eat me! Tie me up, roast me on a spit!!!" _Edna raised an eyebrow at this. The woman had clearly lost her marbles along with her job.

_"Velma, I think you should go home," _Edna was firm. Velma responded to this by squeezing through the gap between Edna and the door jam and turning right to enter the living room. Bewildered, Edna followed, leaving the door ajar.

Velma was walking in circles around the room, taking everything in; from the knick-knacks on the shelves to the ironing board in the adjacent dining room to the TV.

_"You don't live like pigs?" _Velma said, baffled. Edna had had enough.

_"Look here __fruitcake__; I don't care where you go or what you do, as long as you get out of my house right this minute," _Edna was pointing in the direction of the door. Velma cackled.

_"I see what you're trying to do, and it won't work!" _Briskly Edna advanced toward the mad woman, her eyes fierce. She grabbed Velma's left forearm and began to tug her toward the exit.

_"What do you think you're doing?! Get you__r__ hands off me this instant!" _She was hysterical; flailing wildly as Edna all but carried her to the door and dropped her on the doormat. Edna towered over the fallen woman.

_"Now you listen here Miss Crabby: I don't ever want to see you around here again, got it?"_ With that, she slammed the door.

_"I __just----I just __wanted to __apolog__ii__ize__!!!" _Velma screamed, banging her hands against the door.

Edna turned abruptly, staring at the closed door. She considered for a moment, and then once again eased the door open. Velma was stooped raggedly, framed in the doorway. Edna looked pityingly at her. She shook her head.

_"Get in here, I'll make some tea," _She took Velma's arm again, this time more gently, and guided her into the kitchen. She dropped Velma into a chair at the table, filled the teapot with water, and sat it on the stove. Velma stared listlessly at the flame as Edna sat across from her.

_"Velma?" _Velma turned vaguely toward Edna's voice, not making eye contact. _"All you had to was say it," _Velma's eyes rose suddenly to meet those of Mrs. Turnblad, and she was surprised to see that Edna was smiling kindly.

_"Well I um, wasn't sure how to…" _she said sheepishly, her eyes beginning to clear. Under Edna's soft gaze, Velma began to feel tingling warmth in the dark abyss where her heart used to be. It was new to say the least, even alien. She hated to admit it to herself, but she thought she might be having some…feelings for the purple-clad woman across the table. She blinked confusedly; two minutes in the company of an attractive-ish female and she was getting tingles? Why in the hell hadn't any of the men in her life done that to her? She stared open-mouthed at Edna Turnblad.

_"Are you okay?" _Edna was looking concerned again. Velma stood abruptly, knocking her chair to the floor in the process. She jumped at the clatter, and then jumped even higher at the sound of the kettle whistle.

_"I, I have to go," _Velma stuttered, tripping as she made her way past the refrigerator. _"Thank you for the tea," _She shook her head as she began a search for the exit. Edna turned off the stove then followed.

_"Velma, you just got here! You can't come to apologize and just leave!" _Edna's tone was insistent. Velma shook her head.

_"I really do hate to rush off, but I have some important, uh, things to do__. Must dash__," _she had discovered the door leading out into the stairwell. As she reached for the door handle a large hand pressed firmly against it. After a few uneventful tugs, she turned and looked agitatedly into Edna's face. Her anger melted. For Edna was now so close to her that she could smell Baby Ruth on her breath as she spoke.

_"I think you should tell me what's going on," _Edna said. Velma wished she would go away, stop burning holes in her withered soul with those piercing blue eyes, and just let her escape before she made a fool of herself. Everything about Missus Turnblad was tickling her nether regions; the way her slip peeked out of her housedress, the way her knees showed just below the hem, even the way her bangs framed her wide, rosy face. She thought Edna's lips must be as sweet as the mass amounts of Baby Ruth's she had no doubt consumed in recent hours. She cursed herself mentally as she grabbed Edna's face and planted one right on that sweet chocolate mouth. She was right; Edna was the sweetest thing she had ever tasted.

With effort she pushed Edna against the door. Edna lifted a leg and almost knocked her to the floor; Sweet Jesus, the woman had to be three times her size at least. Regaining her balance, a trick she had learned back when she was Miss Baltimore Crabs, she lifted the hems of Edna's dress and slip. As her fingers attempted to find their way through the giant granny panties, she began to kiss Edna's neck greedily. With difficulty she wrapped a leg around the large woman. She took Edna's right hand and moved it toward her own panties, which she was glad to say were NOT granny underwear. They gasped one after the other as their fingers found their respective places inside their respective underoos.

The two women were now locked absurdly together; any witness would have tilted their head in sheer mystification at the feet. With gasps and moans of pleasure, Edna Turnblad and Velma VonTussle tasted each other's forbidden fruit. Velma couldn't help but think how fortuitous it was that she was using her fingers; using her face she may have suffocated…or perhaps gotten lost. What an adventure that would be…

When at last they both got their cookies, Velma fell panting against Edna, almost bouncing off again; the woman's knockers were gi-normous.

_"Now I really should go," _Velma said in a hurried tone. Edna stepped aside, and Velma VonTussle left the Turnblad residence, leaving behind a baffled and soggy Edna Turnblad and taking with her a strong aftertaste…of Baby Ruth.


End file.
